Thursday, August 2, 2012

May I Be Honest?

Here's the thing, my peeps...

I've been a mother for 17 years and a female for a leeeetle bit longer than that, and I still don't understand something:  why can't women just be honest with each other?

Or, perhaps, more clearly stated: wouldn't women be better off being truthful with each other?

Mothers, especially, share so many of the same issues and concerns in common, and, yet, I find that we all tend to gloss things over. Are we afraid of appearing weak? Do we think we won't measure up? Are we frightened of making ourselves feel and seem "less than" because we open up our hearts?

Surely, if we look logically at ourselves and others, we can see that not one of us is perfect. Some of us may be better than others at some things, like baking or crafting, but we also lack in areas in which others excel. It all evens out, right?

However, it seems that all of us feel the need to hold back some parts of ourselves (concerns, failures, bad habits) from these equally flawed people. From my experience, depending on the group of mothers you're dealing with, these things you keep hidden change. If I'm chatting with a group consisting mostly of working moms, I tend to hide the fact that I haven't worked outside the home since I was pregnant with my oldest. Worse, I try to downplay the very important work I do as a wife and mother because I feel that I must look lazy to these women who try to juggle both worlds. But, if I'm visiting with a bunch of other stay-at-home moms, I play up the various ways I "over-work" myself  by being the best Suzy Homemaker in the world, all the while trying to hide the fact that my laundry room is over-flowing with laundry and, out of sheer grumpiness, I ordered pizza for dinner the night before.


With the birth of our beautiful William Luke this past Winter, my "less than" days have increased and   I've been hounded by feelings of confusion ("I am eating sensibly like that new mom over there, so why is she losing weight but I am staying fat?") and a real sense of "no control". Post-partum depression? Probably, yes, compounded by the fact that Will was a preemie who stayed in NICU, followed by my re-hospitalization for DVTs, then three months of injecting myself daily with blood thinners, topped by the fact that Will really struggles with weight gain. I'm sure all of these things have made me question my abilities and, at times, my sanity. 


But, I still cannot stop comparing myself to others (a very bad idea, I know) and feeling so discouraged when I come up short. Other people, women especially, make it seem so easy to do all the things I can't seem to do no matter how much I try. Weight loss? Just eat sensibly, drink water, and get some exercise! OK, I cut out most sugar, don't eat processed foods, drink nearly a gallon of water daily, and go for a walk with the baby and toddler 5 days a week. The frappin' scale has not budged. I hear/see other new moms who seem to do the same things (or, worse! Eat ice cream every night and never go outside!) and are reporting weight losses from 5-20 pounds! They look happy and healthy and TOGETHER! I keep re-tweaking what I'm doing to the point of confusion in an effort to achieve similar results and nada.


Or, what about housekeeping? People! I have 6 mobile children who have daily and weekly chores that they perform under protest  quite nicely, and my house still looks like a bomb went off in a junkyard. I'm trying to remain available for near-constant breastfeeding for a 5 month old who still hasn't broken ten pounds, while trying to throw a load of laundry in or fill the dishwasher. With all the help I receive, this should not be such an insurmountable task. But it is.


The other day, I realized that, perhaps, while I'm glossing over the unpleasant parts of my life, that I may be giving other women a reason to feel badly about themselves. That stopped me in my tracks. I don't think of myself as an influential person, but I suppose that just by the fact that I have been a mother to many for a few years, that some may look to me or my behavior (or, my kids' behavior! gasp!) and start playing The Comparison Game. Maybe something I've said has made another mother feel like she was inadequate. Honestly, this made me feel terrible. 


So, from now on, I will use my example to live as honestly as I can and hope that I can also remember that comparing myself to others only serves the purpose of making me feel "less than".


What do you think? I'd love for people to weigh-in on this and talk about their experiences on either side of the Are You Honest debate!

13 comments:

  1. Hey there!! I have not been on Blogger in forever, and the 1st thing I see is your great blog! You know...you are in the hardest stage right now--you have a small infant!!!!!! Nothing can get done properly when caring for small children. Sure, things GET done, but properly, the way we want?? NO. I am seeing this now so clearly now that I have no babies or toddlers. My youngest will be 4 this year--dang, I have TOO MUCH free time now. And, as for the weight--I am assuming you are getting up there in age, although not as old as I. I have found that it is so much harder to move the scale after the age of 35. And, I have found that no amount of dieting works well unless combined with exercise every day. I have lost some weight recently and only from tons of exercise AND cutting calories. Both of those things are almost impossible while nursing and taking care of small babies/toddlers.
    So, relax, and keep doing the great job that I know you are already doing and think about how you are going to fill the void when these little ones are no longer around and all grown up....
    But, for the record, let it be known that I could have wrote your post a few years back because I, too, felt the same way as you do now.
    Take care :)

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    1. I know, I know... You're right! About everything! I noticed a big slump in weight loss after 35, too. It's still so hard not to compare my younger self with my ever-aging self; it sounds like I'm making excuses for why I haven't lost the weight. But, again, I know you are right! I'm glad you checked in! How're you doing?

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  2. Love it, MK. I find myself really struggling this time around. The house isn't the level of neat and tidy I like, I'm engaged in an epic battle with the scale (hasn't! moved! an! ounce!), and the last time my kids did anything crafty was when they demolished the family room by turning it into a pirate ship.
    We're beautiful messes, we are.

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    1. Seriously, Cari, what is happening to us?! LOL Don't you wish we could all live closer to each other so we could trade days of babysitting. Ah, who'm I kidding? We'd sit around and gab all day, wouldn't we? Actually, I could use that kind of therapy, too!

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  3. I just had an experience where I didn't understand a friend and her behavior recently. kind of distant. Then, she was honest with me, really honest about what she's been going through. It changed so much how I saw her and made me feel closer to her. I think a key element here too is, being honest with yourself. Realizing what you are capable of, and not being so hard on yourself. I am the QUEEN of too high expectations, on myself, my fam, and so on. But God has me in a place right now where my health has made me "useless" in my own eyes. I can't take my kids out, I can't do "activities" with them, I can't even get going in the morning until about 10. Getting something on the table for each meal, and doing a load of laundry, is a good day for me. I am entirely dependent on my kids for many things, and am just a big grumpypants right now about all of it. But the Lord is teaching me to pray this prayer every morning "Lord, give me the strength to do what YOU feel is necessary today, that is all." It takes off all those burdens I place on myself. We women are so hard on ourselves!

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    1. Aren't we? But, why? I can cut my friends all the slack in the world, but when it comes to myself, I'm so mean!
      And, you're right; God puts us where He wants us, where we need to be; I shouldn't second-guess Him.
      I hope your health improves; you're are NOT useless and neither am I! Let's both keep telling ourselves that, OK?

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  4. Great post and so true! I have a thought about the weight loss though. First: Don't worry about it! Your body knows and is probably holding on to that weight to feed that precious baby of yours. I never seem to lose any weight while breastfeeding until my kids start eating solids at regular mealtimes every day. Don't know why, that is just what has happened to me. Also, if you aren't getting enough sleep probably no diet in the world is going to help you lose weight. Sleep is the key (for me) to losing baby weight and also to keeping the postpartum depression at bay. Not enough sleep for this mama = feeling out of control and wanting to just run away from it all. Oh, and one night of good sleep out of 7 doesn't count (just ask me how I know...) Thank you again for this post. Very inspiring and it needs to be said. None of us is perfect, we all fail in various ways daily because we are fallen creatures. We need to recognize this in each other and not judge.

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    1. You're right about my body holding onto the weight. I am *so* not one of those women who lose weight because of breastfeeding. It's the exact opposite for me. Interesting observation about losing weight once the baby eats solids at regular mealtimes; I'm going to have to pay attention this time and see if that's true for me, as well.
      And, sleep, oh sleep. Little Will is a much better sleeper than his older sister was/is, so I probably get a good 6 hours in on most nights. But, I need to take a daily nap, too. I used to nap every day with my first four babies, and then, I got out of the habit. Time to get back into it.

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  5. I think you really hit the nail when you said, "I still can't stop comparing myself to others." That is my number one bonehead mental move that makes me feel like crap 100% of the time. Re-evaluating body image is a constant effort in my head. Healthy is beautiful. Healthy is not the same thing as thin. If I can shower, wear eyeliner and a bra and a smile, and get some exercise, I am beautiful. If I don't feel beautiful, I probably need nicer clothes. ;) Your job right now is to love those babies and take care of your health. Don't worry about anyone else.
    My late sister suffered from obesity as a symptom of PCOS. She was gorgeous because of who she was, not how she looked. I know she was self-conscious about her weight, and you and I both know it doesn't matter one tiny bit now.
    BTW, I am so ordering pizza for dinner.

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    1. I like your thinking, lady! Especially the part about new clothes! ;) But, you're very right about healthy vs. thin. I know, for me, the times I've lost the most weight and kept it off have been the times I focused on being healthy, not looking thin. My brain needs to go there again.
      How are you doing? Just taking it all day by day, I imagine. Let's get together and chat soon, OK? (Hint: Rosary at my house on Tuesday!)

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    2. ARgh. How did I not see this until today? Sorry I missed the Rosary. Would so love to get together. I never got to see YumYum yet. I mean your new baby. Of course, you know who I'm talking about.

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  6. Hi there! I just found your blog and it couldn't have come at a better time! I have 5 little ones under 5yrs. 5yrs ago I was tiny and cute girl, seems like overnight I've become a frumpy and over weight "ma'am". But, I just don't have time to care. My husband loves me and my kids are great so it is what it is... at least for now :) I just wrote about this today on my blog (fiveunderfive) today actually, about finally accepting the kid-run house that live in for what it is. My time is needed elsewhere. My house doesn't need to be perfect to please my family, and neither do I!!

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  7. Love this post. Two under two. Play this comparison game alllllllllllllll day long. Had to quit reading some blogs cause of it. Realizing that I am too idealistic and not very realistic. Recently quit cloth diapering cause I. Was. Drowning. In. Laundry. Better, so much better now and we eat homemade suppers MUCH more, like, normally, usually seven days a week! I'm so super fat. Like 40 (ok, 45) lbs overweight. groan sigh ughhhhhh but husband has my back and insisted we join a gym together. Finally finding a groove and I get to watch cable (namely, Food Network) while I exercise. Love it!

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